| its hard... |
[27 Nov 2005|09:11pm] |
so, my second dad kind of figure, Vince, is/was dating shelley... things went bad but they loved eachother enough to stay together on the weekends. Well, i guess on friday Vince decided that he couldn't live like this. He either wanted her all the time or not at all. So, this weekend was his weekend to say good-bye to all the ones that he loved, myself included. He turned to me today and said "Caitlin, I don't know what to do. This weekend I was supposed to think of a way to say good-bye to you all for good, but I don't know how to do it." omg, my freaking heart dropped then and there. Vince is more of a father to me then anybody else, including my own dad. see, Vince never kicked me out on the streets like my real dad. He took me in, he helped me through everything. He would do anything to make me happy. So when he said that to me, i had no clue what to say to him. So he grabbed hold of my hand and told me he was sorry, that he never meant to hurt me. We just sat there for 5 minutes holding eachothers hand and it was so hard for me not to cry. He then told me that he hadn't told anybody else yet. So, later on i decided to go outside on the trampoline with the two girls Fantasia and McKenna. We came in about half an hour later and Shelley is telling the girls "you better go tell Vince that you love him and that you will miss him because after tomorrow you wont be seeing him again. He's leaving for good." I think thats the first time tonight that i cried about it. it was so hard hearing that i'm never going to see him around anymore. Shelley decides to leave because she's just in a piss-ass mood. so the girls run and let Vince know that they love him a lot. Later I go and I sit next to him and he looks at me and I turn away. I don't want him to see me cry. I don't want him to feel bad for making me upset. He grabs my hand and tells me he is sorry, but he doesn't knwo what to do anymore. It was wierd, he was asking me for advice... and all I could say was, "whatever makes you happy, thats all that matters." he tells me that he isn't happy and he doesn't know that he made the right decision but he is going to stick with it.
So, I just sat there with him til I had to go home. On my walk home I just couldn't hold it in. I had tears streaming down my face. God, right now I wish that there was something that i could do to have him stay.... so i can see him everyday when I come home.... I think that the only way for me to do that is to move out there with him... right now, I'm thinking that looks like a pretty good idea. I know that he isn't my birth-father, but to me, he is my dad. I love him and it is so hard right now to think he isn't going to be there. mannn, i could use some good comfort right now.
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[09 Aug 2005|06:06am] |
ya so yesterday i got into a crash.
I just didn't put on the break early enough, and most of you know the turns and shit on lilac in bonsall. So, we hit the guardrail.
Megan was in the car with me. It's her car. I was driving because her dad called his insurance and found out that I would be insured if I drove it and he didn't want us just sitting on our asses over at mango's house.
so anyways, the car runs fine, drives fine. the front is banged up, headlight is out, its actually not that bad for how hard we hit.
it was scary though because I was pushing on the break and it wasn't slowing down. and so then it just skidded around the corner, we got up into the dirt and then just got thrown into the guardrail.
some asshole called 911 without asking us if we wanted them to. so fire people showed up and made sure that we were ok. and then they were on the walkie talkies and the person said CHP wasn't in our area so they weren't going to come. so, lucky for me right? seeing how I'm not supposed to be driving with someone in the car right now, well at least someone that "young".
ya, so i thought that it was all good, I didn't want to stay at Megan's after that because her dad was being a complete ass about the whole thing, so now I am back at home.
Megan tells me last night, you have to go down to the CHP office and file a report.
WTF! Her dad decided to call CHP and they told him that I have to come down to file the report. So, now I most likely will get my liscence taken away. fun stuff for me. and then her dad sits there and claims that he never knew about the whole not supposed to drive people around for 6 months rule. WHO THE FUCK DOESN"T KNOW THAT RULE???
god, anyway, that is how my fucking peachy keen life is going right now.
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[31 Mar 2005|07:02pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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ello ello. I told you people i would be back... haha... anyways, yesterday I went to the beach with Mike, Megan and Greg. It was a lot of fun, i cant believe it happened either... see, megan's dad has a lot of trust issues so, we had to lie about who was taking us, and who would be there... haha.... anyways, we get there and me and megan decide that we are going to just run out, no stoppig, into the water... ya, as soon we are about knee deep the guys come running after us and pull us out further... It's was freezing!! So, the guys go over to the jetti and megan and I walk out a little further... finally after we cant feel our boobs anymore, we decide to go back... The guys call us over to the jetti so we walk over there and watch them let the waves crash down on them... mike was scared that he was going to get washed away... it was funny he was clinging on so hard to the rock... so, since the wind was winding (lol) we megan and I go back and get out towels, the guys finally come too, and then we take a looooooooonnnnnnnnnnngggggggg ass walk to the pier.... We get back and we are all tired so greg and I try falling asleep together and them mike and megan were lying together... it was nice, i felt really happy... we were under our towels so, i wonder what people walking by thought??? haha oh well... anyways, today i finally decided to take a break from my spring break and stay home... hopefully tonight I will go to the mall with some of my friends from here... Loves you all.  <3just thought that I would show you all my gregory!
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[26 Mar 2005|06:38am] |
"You've opened it?! Good Luck! Tonight at midnight
your true love will realize they love you. Something
good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00 pm
tommorow, it could be anywere. Get ready for the
biggest shock in your life. if you break this chain u
will be cursed with relationship problems for the
next 10yrs. post this within 15 min
why i do these i dont even know...."
i'm tired of these chain letters that people send you.... they need to get over it.. ya, sure, i bet that because i now posted this my life will get better! please..
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| question..? |
[20 Jan 2005|08:10pm] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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If you knew me for a while, you would soon realize that when I smile there is no meaning behind it, that I am hiding all the pain.
Well, would you be happy for me if for once I could smile with meaning behind it, no matter what it causes to you?
I haven't smiled with meaning for seven months, i was hurt that bad. Then, I began to become content with the feeling and I could move on. I began to have feelings for one of my best friends, and he like me too. Then, the one that I loved, the one who also caused me that hurt, came back on his knees apoligizing, asking for my forgiveness and my hand. I told him about this other boy, and I told him that if I meant so much to him he would wait for me, wait for me to have a chance with this other boy.
Well, I waited for one month for this other boy to make his move, to ask me out. But, one month later and no question. Instead he lies to me. Being the person I am, I don't forgive, I move on. Due to this other boy being my best friend, it only took me a day to get over it.
The love of my life asked me back out again, and due to the hurt that I have experienced throughout my life, I said yes. It turns out that my love has made the meaning come back into my smile. I can now smile and not have pain behind it.
This other boy, the one that I kind of blew off, is only thinking about himself and what would make him happy. He now hates me.
If you were this other boy, and also my "best friend" would you be happy to see me smile again?
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[18 Jan 2005|08:14pm] |
ya so greg and I got into a fight and i think that I told him pretty well...
JoJanJayJo: hey whats up??
HarLeYdChiC28: nothing
HarLeYdChiC28: u?
JoJanJayJo: nothing
JoJanJayJo: what was wrong??
HarLeYdChiC28: nothing
JoJanJayJo: yeah sure and chickens have lips
JoJanJayJo: really what is wrong?
HarLeYdChiC28: you freaking lied to me
JoJanJayJo: no i didnt
HarLeYdChiC28: yes you did! at first you told me that you didn't fucking drink
JoJanJayJo: brb
JoJanJayJo is away at 6:30:51 PM.
JoJanJayJo returned at 6:33:13 PM.
JoJanJayJo: i swear though i just started
HarLeYdChiC28: so you still fucking lied to me
JoJanJayJo: but im sorry i didnt know that i lied to you cause i did tell you that i did drink
HarLeYdChiC28: ya.. but not at first
HarLeYdChiC28: you only told me because you knew that i knew
JoJanJayJo: well i remembered what happened last time i didnt tell you something
JoJanJayJo: so i just told you
JoJanJayJo: cause i didnt want you to hate me
HarLeYdChiC28: i don't fucking care if you don't tell me shit just don't fucking lie to me
HarLeYdChiC28: i fucking hate people that lie right to my face
JoJanJayJo is away at 6:35:58 PM.
JoJanJayJo returned at 6:35:59 PM.
JoJanJayJo: well i told you didnt it
JoJanJayJo: i*
HarLeYdChiC28: you fucking lied to me first
JoJanJayJo: and whey didnt you want to say anything to me in the parking lot
HarLeYdChiC28: what are you talking about?
JoJanJayJo: you
JoJanJayJo: why didnt you say anything to me in the parking lot
HarLeYdChiC28: because i had nothing to talk about
JoJanJayJo: well obviously you do now
HarLeYdChiC28: you know what greg i'm not going to deal with shit like this i'm fucking donw
HarLeYdChiC28: done*
JoJanJayJo is away at 6:38:34 PM.
JoJanJayJo returned at 6:40:13 PM.
JoJanJayJo: wtf?
JoJanJayJo: caitlin
JoJanJayJo: im fucking sorry
JoJanJayJo: ok i lied i konw but i did tell you the truth because i remember hurting you by not telling you other things and i didnt want that to happen again GOD DAMN fucking shit
HarLeYdChiC28: what the fuck do you want me to say? that i forgive you?
JoJanJayJo: i dont know
HarLeYdChiC28: well sorry but it aint that fucking easy
JoJanJayJo: i know
HarLeYdChiC28: sorry to me just means fuck you i'm going to do it again
JoJanJayJo: but i dont know what the fuck to say i mean im admitting that i lied to you ok and im sorry for that but i mean you can at least forgive me for having the guts to tell you alright well i have to go to a basketball game i dont know what is going on but hopefully i can talk to you tomorrow about it if that is ok to talk about it at school or are you scared to talk face to face with me!!!!
JoJanJayJo is away at 6:45:17 PM.
HarLeYdChiC28: scared of what??? you??? i don't like talking face to face because i don't like people seeing how much they hurt me... but if you really want to talk then we will talk... I don't know how much good its going to do anyways because I'm done dealing with this shit.
Auto response from JoJanJayJo: Im fucking sorry world that I cant be perfect for you!!!
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| fucking greg |
[12 Jan 2005|08:55am] |
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mood |
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grr |
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Greg is going to the dance with Angie. Grr... it isn't the fact that he is going with someone else its the fact that he didn't tell me and he is all hugging me... grr. I talked to him last night and he said that he didn't think that it was a big deal and would tell me everything from now on... fucking smart ass... grr, i actually was going to go to the dance with my friends but i don't think that i want to go anymore... anyway, its second period right now and i have nothing to do right now... humph!
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| YAY!!!! |
[10 Jan 2005|08:31pm] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
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oh man... i heard something from daryl that i haven't heard in a while and it made me so happy that even today, nothing can get me down... so heres the conversation:
Daryl- I'm 18 now, i could get married if i want to now. But there is only 3 people that I would want to get married to. Gwen Stefani, Christina Aguilera, and * pats my stomach*
Caitlin- What?
Daryl- you!
Caitlin- suprised face
Daryl- Are you suprised that I said that?
Caitlin- ya...
Daryl- you shoudn't be.
Caitlin- stop it, you are making me smile...
omg, i was so freaking happy at that moment... yay!!! maybe all that wishing is starting to pay off...
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[02 Jan 2005|09:36pm] |
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mood |
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dorky |
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ya so, thurday to saturday night I hugg out with Daryl... It wasn't anything special but i Had a blast... anywho, my boy situation. I really love Daryl and I really like Greg. I know I don't want to be a whore but I don't know what to do right now. I'm not even going to be with Daryl until he gets everything figured out.. And Greg is such a great guy that I never want to break his heart.. this sucks so much. Anywho, Daryl was my first kiss of '05... hehe... Greg i'm sure will be my second/next... man I don't want to be a whore but i just don't know what to do...Okay, well anyways, i will just leave you all with that... school starts tomorrow and that sucks so much ars!!! adios!
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[27 Dec 2004|05:41pm] |
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mood |
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 satisfied |
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ya, so Daryl called back. The reason that he needed to think about us getting back together was because he atomatically assumed that I was going to go out with Greg, or that I didn't want to be with him(daryl). I told him that I don't want to go out with Greg, the reason that I needed time was because I didn't want to hurt Greg. Then I told him that lately I have been doing things to make other people happy, and disregarding my own feelings. I told him that I want to do something that would make me happy, and the thing that would make me happy, is to be with Daryl... So, now it wasn't a question about Greg, now it was that for the next month he is going to be really busy. So busy that he doens't know if he can see me very much. I believe him, I know that many of you can't trust him and that many of you think that he doesn't have a decent thought in himself, but I know him.. I went out with this guy for 1 year, and I have known him for 2, so before you distrust, before you judge, get to know the real him like I did. Plus, don't you believe in second chances, well I am better than just that second chance, I beleive in as many chances as it takes to get it right. Don't ever give up on something that once made you smile.
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| Daryl |
[27 Dec 2004|12:38pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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well, I haven't written in a while...and there is something that i want to get out and this is where I post when I don't want everybody to see it... Anywho, The other day Daryl came over and said that he misses me and that he wants to start things back up... I told him that he needed to wait because I liked Greg...I thought about all of this a lot and I realized that for the past 6 months the ony wish I had was for Me and Daryl to be together again, and now the chance has come and I put it on hold for some guy that I don't even know whats going to happen with... So, I just called Daryl, he was in a hurry so i just told him that I want to get back together with him, and he asked me about greg and I told him that I had a lot of time to think about it, and then he says okay, well I need to think about it... WTF???? It is true?that the only reason that he wanted me back was so that I wouldn't be with some other guy??? I am going to be so crushed if he says that he doesn't want to get back together after all of this... it's hurting me right now that he has to think about it... I don't want this to be happening. I love him and I always will and I really want to get back together and that is what he told me that he wanted to do. So, why does he have to think about it??? I am so tired of getting hurt right now that I don't think that I cuold handle him saying that he doens't want to get back together.
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| updatation... |
[11 Dec 2004|08:00pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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ya, so nothing really new... I was supposed to go over to Greg's house last night but he got bad grades so nobody could come over.. i was pretty upset, also because he was acting really wierd... idk.. we tell eachother that we love eachother but he says that he thinks it is too fast to be gf.bf right now... really wierd but whatever... I havent talked to Daryl in like 4 days, tried calling him tonight but i think that he is at church... blah.. o, and last night me megan and jordan all went to the movies, we went and saw Oceans 12... i sat all alone because i didn't want to bother them, i decided that they needed some alone time... anywho... I am staying over at Megan's house all weekend, I wanted to go see Greg today but i didn't have a way of getting there... i need my license, and Greg needs to get better grades, lol... anywho thats all for now so i'll talk to you all at school!
LOVE ME!
♠♥♠Caitlin♠♥♠
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| blah |
[08 Dec 2004|09:21am] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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Ya, so, i havent been on this thing in forever.... the only reason I am on right now is because i was reading Jessica's... Anywho, Paige hates me and it is all Greg's fault, fucker! Ya, so, nothing really new, Daryl and I still arent togther, he lives 5 miles away i see him rarely and I talk to him over the phone just about every other night... He did come and see me last night... Me, Daryl, Matt, Allisa, and Ashley all went over to McDonalds to hang out.. cuz it was too cold to walk around outside...
So, I like Greg A LOT, but idk... nothing ever seems to happen between us.. it just seems that we are destined to be friends with benifits for the rest of our lives and nothing else..
I have been sucked up into myspace along with everybody else... i just like it more... my name on there is Caitlin♠ so ya, go check it out punk!
Love me, please!?!
Caitlin
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| long time |
[12 Oct 2004|06:46pm] |
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mood |
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nerdy |
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Ya, it has been a long time since i updated, and the only reason I am right now is because my friend just got an account and needed help fixing it up so i decided to learn html for her...
Basically Daryl and I aren't giong out anymore but things have gotten a lot better between us and he said that we probably will get back together soon just right now both of us have a lot of stress upon us and it wouldn't be good for our relationship if we decided to go out right now. Um... so ya, we are best friends now, it's really kewl because he is always saying that we are going to end up living together...
Um school... ya well, it's school, it's been pretty hectic lately and I am just getting as angry as ever, it's kinda fun.... I have been more straight forward with my friends bacause I am really getting fed up with people that have a problem with someone and don't approach them about it and then sit there saying to you OMG will you look at so and so, she is such a bitch! DON"T TELL ME GO TELL HER!!!... I told bliss the other day that when Ashley is around she is a bitch to everyone, she seemed to like me telling her.... so info. for you guys TELL PEOPLE YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THEM!!!!!!
Anywho, my mom's and my relationship really hasn't gotten any better, i actually ended up moving out for like a month... I am kinda back there now, the only reason is for Daryl though, he said that he really needed me to be there so of course I love him and would do anything for him....
Well that is about it for now... I have to go and sit on my ass now because there is nothing else to do later!!! oh, if you wanna call me please do (909) 265-4318... That's for when I am down here in Fallbrook, and right now I am soo call!
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| blah |
[09 Aug 2004|06:43pm] |
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haven't talked in a while, i write everything down on my myspace.com account... it's better... sorry
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| Bored |
[11 Jul 2004|04:30pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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Just sitting here and I decided to update, Daryl told me that 99.9% we are going to get back together!! I am so happy about that, he told me the only reason he broke up with me in the first place was because he didn't want his personal problems to ruin everything between us. He was talking to my friend and said that he loves me more than anything and that he wants to get back with me more than I do, I couldn't believe it when I heard it, I am so happy about it... Anyways it is 101 degree's here right now so I think I am going to head down to the pool, laterz!
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| Bored |
[05 Jul 2004|05:45pm] |
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 crazy |
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Right now I am just sittin gat home waiting for Daryl to come over... Things are good between us and I love it. Last night Daryl and I had dinner together and then he just hung out with me until 10... he had to be home by then because of all the cops that were out last night... Earlier today he came by Shelley's house and we watched Die Hard 2.... It was fun.. . he went home because he had some stuff to take care of and then he said he would meet me at my house... apparently he isn't here right now, but oh well it gave me some time to see how my other friends were doing...
Tiami is all upset and crying about some jack ass guy...I hate seeing any of my friends like this.. it sucks... Timi- don't let this guy bother you so much he is just an immature asshole... I'm sorry about everything, if you need to talk you know where to find me.
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| Flupping Happy |
[04 Jul 2004|10:20pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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OMG i am so fucking happy right now!!!! It all started friday when I got happy and from there on things just got better! On Friday Daryl comes over and suprises me.. He hangs out at my house and then we walk to Wal-Mart with my sister to get a b-day present... Anyways, Daryl and I just hung out and then talked about what was going to happen between us... The next day he went to Wild Rivers with me. He told me that he did a lot of thinking the night before and then he made me listen to the Nickleback song "someday"... He told me that the song was how he felt about us, that we will get back together someday just not RIGHT now.... later we just hung out hugged a little bit and I even snuck in a kiss !!! I kinda felt bad after I kissed him though because I shouldn't have, but he said that it was okay and he gave me a really big hug after that.... The rest of the day we just kinda hung out and got flushed in the toilets{a ride at Wild Rivers} I fell asleep on his shoulder in the car and then my mom took us to rent movies... Daryl stayed the night and it was like old times when he would stay the night and we would stay up late just hanging out... it was tons O' fun... and then today he didn't leave until like 130... he went home to take a shower and then we were going to go uot to Old Chicago together but he got sick... so anyways this weekend was just kinda full of Daryl and I having fun like the old times... I love it... I miss it, but I now know that someday we will get back together....
Oh ya and that BITCH TIMI went to Warped Tour!!!! Just kidding Timi you are not a bitch... i love ya man... in a non-sexual way of course!!!! Ya so she went to warped tour but I couldn't because I was so flipping busy this weekend.... Anyways have fun and don't forget to play safe with fireworks... Shoot them towards other people, not yourself!!!
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| crap |
[29 Jun 2004|09:44am] |
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mood |
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 mischievous |
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I found out recently that Daryl migh tbe moving in a couple of weeks to North Carolina to go live with his mom. His mom has todl him before that she doesn't love him and that shw doesn't care about him at all. She called him recently and apoliogized for what she said and not being there for him. I just think that it would be a bad idea for him to go and move out there because I know that his mom is going to change or use him to earn money. I want to tell him but I am afraid of what he might say back to me; we are on good terms right now and I just don't want him to take it the wrong way. If he does go though, I will miss him with all my heart. He still means the world to me and he always will. I just don't want to see him leave me. The wierd thing is that we still act like we did when we were going out. The only differences are that we don't kiss as often and that we see other people. Other than that we are generally the same as before. I still wish that we will get back together and stay together forever, but I kinda stopped counting on it. I'm going to try giving him back the necklace that I gave him that resembled "my heart" if he does leave. Because if I can't be there with him I want him to know that he will always have my heart. I know it kinda sounds all corny but when you are in love it always sounds corny except to that one person you love. I just don't really want to think about him not being here in my life because it hurts knowing that if he does move that he won't be there to talk to, to help me out with my problems, to hold me, just being there at all for me. If he does move I am going to try to stay in contact with him though because he is just too great of a person to lose completely. All my friends say that he still cares aobut me and that they can see it when we are together. Alissa said that he still loves me and she can tell, she said that he probably just needs his own time right now. Basically all of my other friends feel the same way about Daryl and I. He still treats me great and that I am someone special and that means so much to me. I was cold the other day and he walks inside him house and gave me his sweater. I asked him when he wanted it back and he told me just to hang on to it for now. I know that I am just a crazy little girl in love, but this is how I feel. It doesn't seem like I can really talk to anyone about this kinda stuff so I decide to write it all down. Nobody really seems to understand me anymore except Daryl, but what am I supposed to do?!?!? Go up to him and tell him that I still love him?!?!? He would most likely get all mad and just tell me to stay away. All I really can do anymore is write what I feel down, and because I hate having diaries, this is the next best thing. Well I guess that I have writen out what I needed to so I am just going to get back to doing nothing. Have a pineappley kind of day!
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| Update... |
[28 Jun 2004|09:25pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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Ya well I really still love Daryl. I can't help it anymore. He came over today and we watched American Pie together. We laid by eachother sorta holding one another... we hade some fun ;)! anyways things are pretty boring around here... nothing to do! somebody help me out here!
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